Why Halo: Reach Will Be Better Than Sex
Let’s just get this out of the way first. Halo: Reach was always going to have a few built-in advantages.
I guess the first one is obvious, even to people like Tom Cruise, who despite their love of Xenu probably know in their hearts that Reach has one critical edge over ordinary human intimacy.
You can never fire blanks in Reach.
Every shot, a headshot.
That, right there, is a strong opening argument.
Speaking of shots, after landing one in Reach you do not have to clean up the mess. Already the game is pulling ahead on convenience alone.
You can also fire your weapon as many times as you like in Reach. Reload, go again, collect a double kill, a triple kill, maybe even an overkill if the stars align. Good luck getting a triple thrill in the sack with the same ease and rhythm. And yes, it is dramatically simpler to get three or four players together for a long Halo session than it is to organise some kind of tasteful and logistically coherent group encounter if you are a noob.
The armour alone gives Reach an unfair advantage
You can always wear your big green Spartan space suit while playing Reach. In fact, the game actively encourages this kind of behaviour. Good luck wearing a green and gold Spartan helmet with your nearest and dearest while playing hide the sausage. For some mysterious reason, romantic partners tend to frown on full military cosplay entering the bedroom unless very specific negotiations have already taken place.
Reach, by contrast, does not judge. Reach wants you in armour. Reach expects you to look ridiculous and heroic at the same time. Reach understands fantasy fulfillment better than most humans do.
Reach is much easier to commit to
Halo Reach on Xbox 360 will not get upset if you play with more than one console. It does not care where you have been. It does not interrogate your emotional availability. It does not require a long talk about where this is going. With sex, you are generally lucky to have one box to slip your weapon into. Sometimes, depending on your luck and life choices, you might have to pay $360 for the privilege.
Reach, on the other hand, is right there on the disc, ready to go, no awkward conversation required.
No medical follow-up needed
If your gun in Reach bolts off fierce green fire, people will admire you. They may even message you afterwards to say “nice shot” or “bro that was filthy.”
If, while having sex, your gun fires green, see Dr Halsey immediately.
Seriously.
Now.
You booked the appointment, right?
One of Reach’s more practical advantages is that most of its post-match consequences involve either bragging rights or shame. Neither of those requires antibiotics.
Reach lets you relive the best bits
With Reach, you can take pictures and movies of your sweetest moves from any angle, stick them online, and share them with your mates. Forge, Theater, screenshots, clips, whole little digital glory reels, it is all right there. Reach actively wants your best moments preserved.
That is a much shakier proposition in ordinary adult life.
Unless you are Paris Hilton, you probably do not want grainy footage of your ass crack winking at the entire internet. Reach understands the value of spectacle without ruining your reputation at Christmas lunch.
Reach also has the advantage of consistency
Sex can be awkward. Timing can be off. Someone can be tired. Someone can be weirdly ambitious. Someone can suddenly decide they want to talk about curtains halfway through. Halo: Reach is a cleaner proposition. You load in, pick your weapon, move with purpose, and if things go badly you simply respawn and try again.
Human intimacy has not yet implemented respawn. This remains one of its major design flaws.
And unlike sex, Reach has Noble Team
This is where the argument becomes unfair. Reach is not just a game with good mechanics. It is Halo at its most tragic, military, and cinematic. You get Noble Team. You get doomed heroism. You get armour permutations. You get plasma fire streaking through the sky while a whole planet slowly dies around you. That is a very hard mood for ordinary earthly pleasures to compete with.
Sex, for all its strengths, rarely offers Jorge, orbital collapse, and a proper last stand.
Final verdict
So yes, while this is obviously a stupid and unserious thesis, it is also impossible to deny that Halo: Reach has several major advantages. It is cleaner. It is easier to organise. It rewards teamwork. It tolerates costume play. It lets you replay your best moments. It usually ends with a scoreboard. And if things go wrong, you are only one button away from another go.
Post is a retread of one I did at The Optimus Prime Experiment, but Reach deserves its own absurd defence.
